Reading transcript for Gabriel Iglesias's “Hot and Fluffy”
Hot and Fluffy – Drinking & Driving
That is what I say, you just got to be careful, you know. And if you are going to drink, and you are thinking about driving, don't do it. You know, it's not a good idea, 'cause I guss say “you know when you are drunk, you know when you are drunk, you are doing laps in the parking lot and cannot find the exit”, hello? Some of you may make it out to the streets. You know, when you are drunk you are like [motor] [drunk driving] Behind you, you hear [large horn] “Set out stupid”. You know, if you hear, if you hear the magical sound [police siren], one of two things will pop in your head. Either one, “I am ok, I am fine. I can beat this.” Or two, [siren] “I am gonna go to jail. Imma gonna goto jail, imma gonna goto jail. I gotta let you go babe, I wanna go to jail. Tell the kids I love 'em, bye.”
I am going to tell you right now again, if you can make the police laugh, you have a chance. If you do get pulled over for drunk diving, pull over as slowly and as safely as you can. Get over to the right. [motor] [braking] Now, if you know for a fact that you are going to go to jail, you are like, “I am already gone”, have a little fun. I don't mean to take off in a hi-speed pursuit, no no no no, don't do that, 'cause you are not going get very far. I mean if you are drunk and you know, your going to go to jail, you know, and you have tinted windows, have a little extra fun.
Take off your seat belt, jump over to the passenger side, throw your seatbelt back on, and just wait for the cop. You have no idea how bad you are going to throw up his ass off you, guys. He is going to come over to the driver's side with the flashlight... You are sitting there [drunk].
GABRIEL: He was here a second ago. I dunno where he went.
COP: [not mentioned]
GABRIEL: 'scuse me, what?
COP: [...]
GABRIEL: Me drive? O hell no, I am fucked up.
Hot and Fluffy – Five Levels of Fatness
That is sad 'cause I know some of you are going to try it, man, you are like. Like “Do what the fat guy said, do it!”. And for the record, I am not fat, I am fluffy. For those of you who still do not know, there are five levels of fatness, fluffy is one of the levels. There is “big”, “healthy”, “husky”, “fluffy” and “DAAAYUM” [damn]! I am still number four. People go, “how do you know when you are number five?” Well because people will tell you. If you try to get on an elevator that is crowded and people stop you and go “na-a, daaaaamn!”. If you go to Disneyland and little kids wanna ride *you* “I wanna like it on that one” “Daaaamn.” I am sorry, little kids are too honest, man, they are like little alcoholics.
Hot and Fluffy – Mom
She likes what I do, because it is working, but she still does not get the jokes. It's not that she does not speak English, 'cause she speaks perfect English. She just does not see me as a comedian, she sees me as her son. I can't tell her a joke 'cause then she questions it and kills it, right, I could tell her something like, you know,
GABRIEL: Mom, why did the chicken cross the road?
and I will get,
MOM: Who let you the chicken?
GABRIEL: It's a joke,…
MOM: It's no joke, bubbles, so you know how much I pay for those chickens.
Hot and Fluffy – Felipe
Somebody asked me, they say, “Well in your first special that you got to do, you kept talking about this guy, this friend of yours, named Felipe. Is he a real person?” He is a real person. I mean, he is an old friend. Now and forever. But he is one of those comedians who does not know when to stop being funny. And that is why it is sometimes hard to hang out with the guy. 'Cause you know, I know when to quit, especially around cops. When I hear [gun loading], the joke is over. If I hear [siren] you get an apology. My friend did not know when to draw the line, you know, and, we are hanging out one day, and sure enough, we get cop up mad,
COP: Oh you're think it's real funny, huh? You think, you think it's easier to be a police officer? You see that scar. I got stand'in' in '92. See that? Bullet hole '96. What are you gotta say about that?
GABRIEL: Now I have nothing to say about that.
My friend Felipe is like,
FELIPE: Oh yeah?
GABRIEL: What are you doing?
FELIPE: Fool, watch this.
GABRIEL: Wah, what are you doing?
He grabs my shirt, pulls it up, tells the cop,
FELIPE: Fool, you see those stretch marks? Donuts, 1996.
GABRIEL: Dude, he is gonna kill us!
FELIPE: I know fool, but that was funny, huh?
Hot and Fluffy – Making Cops Laugh
Speaking of that, I get pulled over by a cop one night, two minutes after coming out of a Crispy Cream Drive-Thru. Alright, don't get ahead of me. Watch, I made a left turn instead of making a right, but I was not paying attention, 'cause I had a box. I was like, “Oh you are going to get it when we get home. Oh you have been so bad. Soo [aaah] are gonna get it.” I am not paying attention, I go the wrong way, right. [motor] Sure enough [siren] “ooooh” I pull over [motor] [brakes] “ng”. Later... I am sitting there patiently waiting, and the cop is taking forever. I said “the hell with this, he is taking too long”. I grab my box, I put it on my lap, I flipped it open, right, [yummm] [drool] [waaah] Oh I was gonna get nasty. And just as I was about to tear it up, the cop gets to the window, and says the same thing that they all say, right,
COP: You know why I stopped you?
It was too easy, I looked at him and I said,
GABRIEL: 'Cause you can smell it.
Oh he was dying, man,
COP: [laughing] Son of a bitch.
Whatever, he let me go, man. So you just gotta be careful. If you can make a cop laugh, you got a chance.
Hot and Fluffy – Road Trip
I took a road trip about a year ago, after I got rid of the Bettle. In the SUV. Took a roadtrip from L.A. to Phoenix to go perform at this club. Let me tell you who is in the car. I am driving, I got my buddy Armando riding shotgun, he is another fluffy guy, we call him “sexy bitch”. Oh I do not call him that, his wife calls him that.
GABRIEL recalling Armando's Wife: “He is a sexy bitch”.
Anyway. In the back seat I got my friend Martin, next to him is my friend Felipe. So we take off. [Motor sound.] We are on the 10 Freeway, we are passing all those Indian casinos. [Motor sound.] [Indian wuwuwu] Sorry, we are stupid like that. Anyway. All of a sudden, all those cars start passing me, right. [Motor sounds.] I am getting annoyed because I am driving-a... [Large horn sound] I said
GABRIEL: Next car that tries to pass me, I am not going to let him.
So I am looking in the rear view mirror waiting looking waiting waiting, and I see a silver dot. The silver dot turned out to be a little car with two hoojies in it, right. As some of you guys are going “how do you know they were hoojies?” Cause my friend Martin was in the backseat going:
MARTIN: I feel a disturbance in the force.
They tried to go around, and I cut them off. [Motor sound] [Laughter] I am having fun, they are back there [Small motor horn] Whatever. [Large motor horn] [Laughter] My friend Felipe is in the back seat yelling at me,
FELIPE: Fool, what are you doing?
GABRIEL: Look, Don't worry, I am having fun.
FELIPE: Gabriel, you are gonna get pulled over.
GABRIEL: Dude, I am ok, it's cool.
We are arguing going back and forth. I am not paying attention, I do not see a California Highway Patrol Officer creeping up on us. All of a sudden I hear [Police siren] I look at the speedometer, 102 [mph]. Oh I freaked out. [Waaah] I pulled over. [Motor sound, brakes]
The little car that was behind me, with the two hoojies, they got pulled over 'cause they were going just as fast, you know. [Motor sound, brakes] I am in the front seat of my car, freaking out “oh my God, am I goto jail”. I am on the verge of tears. From the backseat I hear my friend, Felipe,
FELIPE: Fool, what are you crying for? What are you crying for, fool? You are not the one with the weed in his pocket, are you?
GABRIEL: You have drugs in the car?
FELIPE: I told you to slow down, did not I? But no, Pikachu knows everything.
GABRIEL: Shoot, everybody hold on your window. Air out the car. Armando, fart! Do something, man.
The cop walks over to the window, looks in, sees my face, recognizes me from TV, right. He is like,
COP: Hi. I know you. You are a comedian. [Gabriel grins] Yeah, you are that guy from Comedy Central. You are the guy that does that joke about his friend in a hotel and you prank call him and call him a Dirty Mexican and then you go “But that was funny, huh?” Oh I love that joke. That one and when you you go “Chocolate Cake”, ooh I love that joke. I hate to do this to you, but we got two cars involved. I need your license and registration.
GABRIEL: Ok. Here you go, here you go.
So he takes my info, goes back to the car with the two girls in it, right. The whole time he is back there, I tell everybody in the car,
GABRIEL: Check it out, he just recognized me from TV. Maybe if we have some fun, we gonna crack some jokes, maybe he won't take the car. I don't care if I get a ticket, but as long as he does not take the car. Armando, be silly, crack a joke. Martin, be funny. Felipe!
FELIPE: What, fool? Shut the hell up.
So the cop comes back to the car,
COP: What the hell were you doing out there?
Before I could think of something funny to say, from the backseat I hear,
FELIPE: Fool, he was testing the suspension.
Oh my God, this pothead is going to get me arrested.
GABRIEL: Officer, I am sorry. That is is my friend Felipe. That is the guy from the special, that is the guy who says “But that was funny, huh?” He is just trying to get me in trouble. I am really sorry.
COP: Whatever.
So he goes back to his squad car with my drivers license, and he is swiping it in the computer. The whole time he was doing that, he is being yelled at — from the backseat of my car.
FELIPE: Hey Officer, thank God you have a computer. Last week we got stopped in Mexico, that fool had a rollerdecks.
The cop starts dying. [Laughter]
GABRIEL: Oh we got him going! We got him going!
That is when my buddy Armando, “give me my CDs”. I take out my Bad Boys II Soundtrack, and I pop it in. Track 3 is the theme song to “Cops”. I tell my friend Felipe,
GABRIEL: Tell me when the cop starts walking.
FELIPE: Ok fool, here he comes.
I crank that sound as loud as I could.
SOUNDTRACK: Bad boys, bad boys, what you want, what you want, what you gonna do...
Best part, now the cop is walking to the beat,
SOUNDTRACK: [...]
Even better than that, the two hoojies in the car can hear the music and they are freaking out, they are like,
HOOJIES: Oh my God, we are going to be on TV!
The cop goes to the girls, gives them a ticket, lets them go. Looks at our car, and at this point we are like halfway through the song, right, we are like,
SOUNDTRACK: Nobody naw give you no break // police naw give you no break // Not a soldier mona give you no break // Not even you idren naw give you no breaks // Hehe
Got our arms up like a bunch of idiots. The cop is in the middle of the freeway dying. [Laughter] He walks over to the window and he is like,
COP: Shut it off!
GABRIEL: Yes, Sir?
Hands me my license and registration, and tells me,
COP: Gabriel, [cop sweats] I want you to do me a big favor. I want you to do keep this tank under a 100. You think you can do that?
[Gabriel nods]
COP: Do that for me? Keep on doing what you do. And you have yourself a nice day.
GABRIEL: [W-w-w-ait] That's it? No ticket?
COP: No ticket.
I dunno what possessed me to look at this man and go,
GABRIEL: Why? How come the girls got a ticket?
And he tells me the coolest thing, he says,
COP: 'Cause they could not make me laugh! You don't understand, Gabriel. I have been on the force now for 26 years. This is hands-down. The funniest damn traffic stop I have ever been a part of. Do you have any idea how hard it is to give two sluts a ticket while listening to “Cops”? I damn nearly pissed myself I was laughing so hard. This is going into the books as one of the funniest things that ever happened to a police officer. I swear to God, the only stop better than this one is a buddy of mine pulled over some fat guy that gave him donuts.
So he starts walking arear, right, and just as I am about to start the car,
FELIPE: So does that mean I can keep my weed?
I turn around and yell at my friend — too late — the cop is at the window.
COP: You wanna run that again by me, son?
FELIPE: You heard what I said, fool.
COP: Oh you think this's a big joke, don't you? You think that just 'cause I gave your buddy here a break. I know who he is, I like what he does. I don't know you, I don't like you, step out of the car.
I turn around and my friend Felipe is like,
FELIPE: Woooh, I am soo scared.
And the cop pulls out his gun. [Gun loading] I am freaking out. And I am like,
GABRIEL: Oh my God.
Back seat, my friend Felipe,
FELIPE: Wooohoo. Wuuuh. I am soo scared. Fool [Gabriel], he is good, he is good.
Then he [the cop] points it at him. The look on my friend Felipe's face — [surprise] — priceless.
FELIPE: I am scared. I am scared. Am I go to jail? Am gonna jail?
The cop was like, [Gun unloading]
COP: Nah, but that was funny, huh?
